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Mexican Madness

by J. Orlin Grabbe

The Clintons went to Mexico. Mexico is a nice place. I've been there.

Hillary didn't climb the pyramid at Uxmal. She wore the wrong shoes. She left the right shoes back in the White House closet where she hid the Rose Law Firm billing records.

Bill gave the nice Mexican drug dealers 73 helicopters. He didn't explain it that way, of course. He said he gave them to the Mexican government to fight the drug war. But Mexico's recent Drug Czar was working for drug dealers. And Mexico has now fired about 1200 employees of their equivalent of the DEA. But this time they'll be more careful who they hire to do the job, they said. Especially now that they have helicopters.

I used to date a girl named Maria Luisa who worked at the Ministry of Finance in Mexico. The Finance Minister would call her in and say, "Well, I guess they want to discuss eurobonds at this meeting." "Yes, it's an important issue," she would say, noncommittally. She knew what he wanted. He wanted to know what a eurobond was. But he couldn't come right out and ask. He was the Minister of Finance, after all. Maria Luisa knew what eurobonds were. I explained them to her very carefully. But then her boss became Foreign Minister, and he didn't have to deal with difficult financial topics anymore.

Maria Luisa taught me the meaning of puto cabron pendejo. I like Spanish. It's the only language I know where you insult someone by calling them a pubic hair. I recommend that Mexico put Raul Salinas in charge of the anti-drug operation. Why not? It worked for Joseph Kennedy at the Securities and Exchange Commission.

You know the drug war is a farce when the cocaine comes across the border in tanker trucks. It's an open secret, these days. Even the border guards know which trucks have the coke. Someone has to forewarn them which ones not to inspect. When they start busting people, you'll know there's competition among the gangs. If the U.S. needs help with the border, they should hire an expert. I recommend Peter Videnieks. He knows all about exports.

Bill went to Teotihuacan. Maria Luisa and I went there also. At the top of the Pyramid of the Sun you can look out over the surrounding valley for miles. It was today's equivalent of a good surveillance satellite. The Pyramid of the Sun is the biggest pyramid in the world, bigger than anything in Egypt. You don't need special shoes to climb to the top. Just stamina.

The drug operation at the Canadian border with Montana and North Dakota is not nearly so efficient as the one with Mexico. They have to fly the drugs in by small planes. But they cut out the Mexican middleman, so maybe it's more profitable. Someone should ask FBI agent Terry Nelson. I hear he knows all about drug profit margins. But perhaps he's too busy helping Louis Freeh find the mechanical failures stashed aboard TWA 800. Louie said check out the Honda and let the tanker truck go on by.

Some people say ex-Presidential brother Raul Salinas laundered $120 million in bribes and drug money out of Mexico through Citibank to be deposited in Switzerland. Salinas has denied this. He said it was travel expenses, or something. Citibank is now afraid it will be hit with money-laundering charges. It's already paid about $4 million to defend itself, much of it in fees to Robert Fiske.

Robert Fiske is the famous lawyer who wrote a report proving that Vince Foster never laundered any money through Ft. Marcy Park. So he should be able to get Citibank off the hook also. It was Fiske who represented Clark Clifford and Robert Altman, who ran First American Bank in Washington, D.C., when it was illegally owned by BCCI. Back then some people claimed that BCCI laundered money also. Well, Fiske set them straight. It's a good thing lawyers specialize these days.

I was talking about the Cali cartel with Chuck Hayes one day, while he was thumbing through the wire transfer records of Raul Salinas. "Boy they've sure got Bill under their thumb," he said. He was talking about our President Bill Clinton. But I'm positive he was just joking. It's only in foreign countries like Mexico that drug cartels buy and sell politicians. In far away places like that, where they have strange customs.

But thinking of this reminded me of one of the many episodes edited out of the 60 Minutes tape. Leslie Stahl said to me: "You say President Clinton has a serious cocaine habit." I replied: "Well, I haven't seen his medical records myself. But I've talked to people who have seen them, and they say he has a serious cocaine habit." I eagerly waited to see that exchange on TV. But Don Hewitt edited it out. I guess he didn't want to start any rumors on the Internet.

Has Don Hewitt ever been to Mexico, you think?

May 8, 1997
Web Page: http://www.aci.net/kalliste/