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Twenty Predictions for 1997

by J. Orlin Grabbe

1. Randall Davis will justify using the resources of MIT's Artificial Intelligence Laboratory to help out the Clinton-Gore campaign with the statement that "Well, I've always viewed Al Gore as this big LISP program which is more horizontally than hierarchically organized, and I thought that if we could hook him up to a hypermedia server with communication structured by DARPA intelligent agents, it would provide a semantic environment in which he could learn to parse real sentences."

2. Bill Clinton will outlaw all private uses of encryption, except by resident foreign nationals with whom he's dined at the Hay Adams or had to coffee at the White House, or who have given large donations to the DNC at events which they did not attend.

3. Vince Foster will rise from the grave and haunt many government agencies.

4. Software AG will complete the conversion of the White House "Big Brother" data base to ADABASE to run on one of the three White House mainframe computers. The White House will then proudly announce to the GAO that they've "now activated the audit trail".

5. Al Gore will convert to Buddhism in what some will cynically interpret as an attempt to justify frequent attendance at temple money-laundering activities, but his critics will be silenced when he appears in Lafayette Park with a begging bowl.

6. The CIA will issue a report proving that the bunkers at Mena airport were simple library depositories used to store newspapers like the San Jose Mercury.

7. William Cohen will withdraw his nomination for Secretary of Defense and write a best-selling novel entitled A Farewell to Arms.

8. In a surprise move, Bill Clinton will appoint Anthony Lake as Ambassador to Iran, and Lake will book the first leg of his flight to Teheran on TWA.

9. Kenneth Starr will unseal indictments of Hillary Rodham Clinton, and in another surprise move Bill Clinton will bomb both Iraq and Iran, and Hillary will make another $100,000 trading crude oil futures at the NYMEX.

10. James Carville will drag a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park in Louisiana and a frenzied mob of big-haired women will seize and castrate him, then crucify him upside down with the hundred dollar bill in his mouth.

11. A Miami lawyer will go public with the names of Bill Clinton's cocaine suppliers, and in yet one more surprise move, Bill will appoint Dan Lasater head of the National Security Council.

12. In congressional hearings on Information Warfare threats, the Department of Defense will explain that "polymorphic viruses" cause polymorphs.

13. Now that it has been publicly revealed through the Freedom of Information Act that Systematics (Alltel Information Services) had numerous NSA contracts, San Francisco attorney Charles O. Morgan will publicly apologize to all those he threatened to sue for making that claim.

14. Montana Governor Marc Racicot will open a series of "Drugs R Us" boutiques throughout Montana, and will apply to the IRS for tax-exempt status.

15. Two people with initials "D.B." and "F.G." will explain who Jackson Stephens is, what the term "rubber ducks" means, and why one of them was recently seem meeting with Jonathan Pollard spy-handler Rafi Eitan.

16. Israel will suffer a national scandal when Bibi Netanyahu is pressured to return large campaign contributions from the Russian mafia. But it will all be put to rest, when, in a surprise move, Bibi invades Syria.

17. The year's smash music single will be "Hale-Bopp, She Bop" recorded by a re-united Trashmen.

18. Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin will be forced to go on national TV and condemn the "irrational funk" depressing stock prices.

19. FBI Agent David "Killer" Keller will retire to New Zealand where the men are men and, when asked why the neighborhood sheep are nervous, will blame it on "right-wing militias and the Internet".

20. By the end of 1997, not one of these predictions will have come to pass. Not one.

January 8, 1997
Web Page: http://www.aci.net/kalliste/