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Al Gore as President

by J. Orlin Grabbe

With Al Gore set to become the next President of the United States (POTUS), I asked myself what I really knew about the guy. The answer is, Not much.

I know he is really dumb (I've read him speak), and can't recognize the bust of George Washington. On the other hand, he can probably spell potatoe. But if he can't, Dick Morris can undoubtedly help him out.

I know that his sister died of lung cancer in 1984 and this taught him the evils of tobacco. But after four years, in the 1988 run for president, he had forgotten all about it, and bragged to Tennessee tobacco farmers he had raised the crop with his own hands. But by 1996, after a few years rehabilitation in the White House, he re- remembered his sister and the visit he made to her death bed, and blasted the demon drug tobacco on national television, speaking from a convention in Chicago. Some fellows at the bar here in Reno were so moved they had to put down their cigarettes and wipe their eyes with both hands before lighting up again.

I know that he makes $171,500 per year as Vice- President, and gets $10,000 for expenses. That's not much, but as President he will get $200,000 per year, plus $50,000 for expenses, plus $100,000 for travel expenses, plus $20,000 for entertainment expenses. I guess they'll pro-rate this for his three months or so of office. But if not, he'll have a blast--short but sweet.

I know Al Gore has done a lot of evil things, such as promote a "National Information Infrastructure" whose purpose is a government takeover of the Internet, so the latter can be turned into another bread-and-circuses arena like TV--bringing us the latest in home entertainment, home shopping, and political propaganda.

I know that his wife Tipper, the future FLOTUS, has funny ideas about censorship. On the other hand, I have a friend who says she has great legs. Her husband Al is obviously pussy-whipped, but maybe he enjoys it. For her part, Tipper appears to like big dumb hunks who she can lead around by the nose. I sure hope Tipper knows the difference between Iran and Iraq, in case we have to bomb one of them between now and January 20.

I wanted to say something really positive about Al. Here it is: he ain't gonna pardon Bill Clinton. Now that's something to believe in.

October 15, 1996
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